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(no subject) [Mar. 17th, 2009|06:38 pm]
So I don't know when I last updated this so I might as well do it now.

Things have changed a lot. I've changed a lot this year already. I feel like I am starting to see myself more objectively. Like the ideas I have about the way I talk and act, I am seeing through those, and it feels like I am appearing to myself how everybody else must see me.

I moved out of home the same week I broke up with Josie. So those two major changes occurring at once were a good way to ensure I'd never really be the same again, as before those things. Not in a bad way, just in a way. I spent the next month getting drunk every day. The last week or so I've not been getting drunk as often, although I plan to tonight, as I did a few times on the weekend. But not so often.

I am, however, having a great deal of trouble getting to sleep at night, am having weird mood swings, and having things that feel like mild panic attacks during uni. I've never had anything like it before. My head just freaks out and starts to shake (inside, it's hard to explain) and seems to lock up real tight. My vision goes a bit blurry on the edge and I feel in my chest like I'm going to cry or yell or something and I just want to get out.

I feel that there is one common thread connecting all of these aspects of my life and that I need to find it.

Oh, I've also been finding myself utterly obsessed with certain, different girls for a couple of weeks and then moving on to another one. I never do anything about it, but the fluidity with which these obsessions move, and their intensity, is unsettling. I had the opportunity today to talk a bit to the latest girl, but didn't take it, and it made me realise that a) I am the worst person to ever fuck me over (which I believe I have spoken about before and b) that out of the couple of relationships I've had, I've never really really liked the other person to begin with and they have had to grow on me, which seems to suggest that I've missed out on the best kinds of relationships, where attraction is mutual and powerful. Of course, this takes us back to point a), where I am the worst person for myself and generally succeed in stopping myself get what I want, for reasons which are as unknown to me as they are infuriating, and depressing, at the same time. It is a strange duality.

I've gotten into an album by this band called Propagandhi, who some of you probably know if you've managed or bothered to read this far, or even read at all. They're great. I've never really liked punk before, and definetely not to the extent that I like Propagandhi. I think it's because they're catchy as hell and really intelligent lyrics-wise, and they have a great deal of energy which I haven't heard in music lately. I guess it is a lot more human than some of the music I listen to - and it's nice to hear people really fucking passionate about issues or themes.

So yeah. A quick update of the year. Or, the last 10 weeks, if I am to believe the Livejournal front page. I don't have the internet at my new place (yet), so updates are sporadic and generally brief. Ah, fuck it. You know what? That's not true - I could have updated more, I just don't give that much of a fuck. I love you, you're great, but the effort required to sit down and type out something, and the confidence to believe that people will care, is more than I am capable of at the moment.

Except today because I have things to get off my chest.
I can't believe how cathartic this entry has been.

xxoo
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drunk/high post. advice: ignore [Jan. 1st, 2009|03:11 am]
[level of emo-ness |cynicalcynical]

warning, this is most likely going to be really uninteresting and act as nothing more than a channel for my ego

so it's 3.12am new years day and I'm updating my livejournal. new. fucking. high. or not. not sure. fullstops make everything dramatic. well, I drank a bottle of wine and a few jugs of beer and snorted half of a really good pill. So I got a bit fucked but not to the extent that you'd like on new years'. the last 3 years I've gotten ridiculously high (2005 - dmt, e, weed, beer; 2006 - 3.5 hits of acid, weed; 2007 - lots of booze, weed, meth and so much xanax and valium i couldn't walk) so I guess it was a bit of a let down. In my defense, if I chose where we went it would have been better, but this is the 3rd new years I've spent with josie so I thought it would be nice to spend it together.

it was ok until we couldn't get a cab or a bus and she wouldn't walk because she thought she'd vomit and eventually called her dad to pick her up

which was embarassing

and awkward for me trying to make ridiculous small talk with my girlfriend's dad while his daughter rode the whole way home with her head out the window....

but yeah fuck at least given how she dealt with being drunk, then she doesn't have a leg to stand on trying to come down on me about doing drugs or drinking like i do. I never get so fucked up I can't get home. so I don't know whether to bring it up in the morning or just wait til I want to get messed up next, then use it then.


I'm writing this here because I want to write something, but I'm pretty drunk/coming down and the idea of opening a word file just for me to masturbate, basically, with words, doesn't appeal. This is slightly better, although still indulgent

oh shit the mid-30s landlady just got home. what an awesome new years.
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BIG L [Dec. 4th, 2008|02:33 am]
[Tags|]
[Current Location |BIG L]
[beats |BIG EL TRIBORO]

yeah so pretty drunk right now don't really have much to say, but I'll say it anyway because I can and that is the beauty of a journal

it kinda freaks me out that no matter how much I drink I can still touch type


and perhaps even faster than when sober, too much time at a computer i spuz


narcotichrist community has been pretty fresh lately, would link but I'm too drunk to remember how, but it's renewed my interest in LJ so anyone that's down with the community should pat themselves on their shoulder or some shit

I wish I had something to say. Shit's been buzzing like a fucking fluoro in my head latez because of shit with josie.. my girlfriend, just mad wack head trip shit that I'm trying to figure out, too many things pulling in too many directions for me to really work out what's the best to do. It's that kind of thing where you should be able to distance yourself from the situation but you can't, and that's the point, that you feel too much about it, and if you didn't then you could work it out but because you feel it too much and are too attached then all the problems kinda come up.
i hope that made sense the first time round cos I don't think anyone could be fucked deciphering it if it doesn't

life has been boring as hell, drinking and smoking buds, I hate christmas cos the time I have to write or read I end up just trying to buy presents for people. I always make ridiculous excuses for not writing. for example I'm going to go pass out soon instead of writing some bullshit.

most sincere apologies to anyone who read this far.
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(no subject) [Nov. 27th, 2008|09:11 am]
hey there

feels a bit strange updating the journal without having anything already formed in my head to write. I haven't done this kind of thing for years. Should get back into it. Constant journaling has its upsides. Like vicariously living through my former self, which I catch myself doing more regularly lately. Is it still vicarious if it used to be you?

I feel like Carrie from sex and the city for ending that paragraph with a question. now we're fucked.

for some reason, 'step yo game up' by snoop and lil jon has been dominating lately. it's so fucking abrasive but so weirdly compelling.

so I.... finished uni for the year? Did ok in my post-colonial essay, which I was pretty happy with, lost marks for not referencing extensively enough and not referring back enough in my conclusion. It pisses me off a bit, because they're simple errors and I could've gotten a high distinction if I'd not made them. I sincerely believed that the conclusion paragraph would never have a substantial impact on the grade.

not having uni is great. I work 1 day a week and get money from the government, but I'll not entertain anybody saying I'm lazy, or that I have it easy. I mean, of course I do, but this is my situation and if I've got it to work then it's all good. Besides, I've been writing more during the last week than I did during uni. So I'm actually working harder.


I love drinking beer and wine then passing out and getting Chinese food in the late morning, hot fragrant soups that burn my mouth.
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(no subject) [Nov. 17th, 2008|07:22 pm]

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(no subject) [Oct. 16th, 2008|07:38 pm]
So I've been in the hospital for just over a day now. Nothing wrong with me, I'm doing a clinical trial for money. I don't really feel the urge to talk about the whole thing because it's honestly not that interesting, but there are a few cool things about it.

By far the coolest is this rec room down the back of the ward. There are two rec rooms, one is right opposite the room where the other 4 guys doing the study and myself sleep, and there is this one. No-one comes in this one. You wander down the halls and turn a couple of corners, and the lights are off and the airconditioning makes it cooler in here than anywhere else. If you open the western blinds you look out over the city so I just sit in here with the internet and Joyce and read and sit on the grey couches. Everything in here is a comfortably neutral, clinical grey.

I'm reading A Portrait of the Artist as a Young Man by James Joyce and it's fantastic if a bit tricky to read. You really have to concentrate but it does pay off. Even if you read a sentence through a few times, and get it eventually, it's worth it. AN example is this one:
(the adolescent protagonist has just won some money. he tried to set up a loans account and a family commonwealth, but they both failed. As did he to learn anything from the whole experience.)

He had tried to build a breakwater of order and elegance against the sordid tide of life without him and to dam up, by rules of conduct and active interests and new filial relations, the powerful resurgence of the tides within him. Useless

Now I had to read that a few times before I realised that by "without" he meant "outside of him", as in the literal opposite of within, rather than "lacking". But once you get that then it's a great little sentence. I recommend this short book if you are willing to sit down and really work with it.

The other people in here are all a bit annoying in some ways. There's only one guy I would consider hanging out with outside of a forced environment, but even then not really.
-There is one horribly awkward guy who is "addicted" to the TV show House, which I watched for the first time last night and was unimpressed by. He says little of interest but is otherwise inoffensive.
-There's one guy who's just a bit loud and stupid. He says dumb things more often than anyone else says anything, but his heart's in the right place.
-The guy I would consider hanging out with is a bit younger (19) and works in Nairne, where Josie grew up. He's ok. Listens to decent music and likes ok films. But still, a bit awkward. He likes Ben Elton, which I try not to hold against him.
-The most annoying person here is this med student/jock who constantly talks about things "a group of us" did. Like he never does anything alone. He just shits me because he's one of those people who acts all easy going and friendly, but inevitably likes shit stuff and probably has fucked up morals. I left the room for a while and when I got back, the Last Samurai was on the tv. I blame him, since he said the Last King of Scotland was definetely worth watching, and fairly sucked. I am seeing a connection between the titles of those films though.

Anyway. I don't really have anything else to say. I really like this room.
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(no subject) [Oct. 9th, 2008|07:51 pm]
US drug policy confuses me in one aspect especially. There's a whole lot of draconian shit going on, but that doesn't really confuse me as such. What I get confused by is medical cannabis laws. How 12 or 13 states allow medical cannabis, yet the federal government and the remaining 40-odd state governments don't acknowledge its merit as a medicine.

As I understand it, before any food or drug (or a lot of other things) can be sold or prescribed in the US, then it has to be approved by the Food and Drug Administration, which is a federal organisation approved by the government and composed of (amongst others I'm sure) doctors and scientists.

So... What the federal government and those 40 states are saying is that they disagree with the experts they support? That despite the organisation that decides what's fit for consumption says, they're going to ignore it and just go ahead and do what they want anyway?



that's all
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(no subject) [Oct. 2nd, 2008|02:13 pm]
I just have something I would like to say

and that is that Christians have been irritating me more than usual lately for two reasons, which are:

-That I have been exposed to slightly more of that particular brand of Christianity which insists that we will burn without accepting God, or that we should somehow be subservient to him, and

-They refuse to look at their religion logically.

I realised the other day in class while we were talking about pre-destination (which is when people believe that God has planned their lives out for them), that if God exists this can't be wrong. If he really is God, he created the world and knows everything about it, and is also 100% good. So that means he knows everything about everyone and how everything's going to turn out. Not only that, but the way things are and will turn out is exactly the way God would want them to. That means that if I don't believe in God, then God doesn't want me to and believing in him was never part of his plan for me. And, since he's entirely good, he wouldn't send me to Hell for something he controlled.

The only way I can see of overcoming this problem with the religion (or more specifically, the way people control other people through the religion) is by acknowledging a) that God didn't create the world, b) that he doesn't know everything there is to know or c) that he isn't entirely good, or would be perfectly willing to blame us for things he did.
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(no subject) [Jun. 2nd, 2008|06:34 pm]
I guess I just got an urge to write about myself. Plus, since updating EL JAY is the same function as working it feels like I'm being productive, even if I'm not.

The front page of livejournal tells me that it's been 10 weeks since my last post. Theoretically I should have about 70 interesting points to discuss, since I would say that on average at least one interesting thing happens each day. Today was not a particularly interesting day.

I very well might be moving out in a couple of weeks. There's an apparently "huge" room for let in Torrensville, for $90 a week. That's within my price range and is the next best thing to living in town, which is what I wanted, ideally. This is a great development for those in the know. And those out of it, they just probably don't know it yet.

I saw DJ Krush the other night. He was incredible. Japanese DJ who plays instrumental hip-hop and downtempo stuff. He structured his set like a dance set, with peaks and troughs and buildups and breakdowns, which was nice to hear in a hip-hop set. He is also an amazing turntablist and I recommend everybody listen to him constantly.

Shit this is so indulgent and unecessary. I can't bring myself to write any more
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(no subject) [Mar. 22nd, 2008|12:17 am]
Holy shit

ok this shit drives me mental

I had a piece I'd written workshopped today. That's when you write something and send it out to everyone in the class and they read it and write feedback on there.

I swear to god some people are so fucking dense

well maybe not. BUT if you put any ambiguity into a story at all then they balk. They just go mental and think you've failed to write something, like as if they just assume nobody would ever intentionally make something ambiguous and they need to cling to their desperate and pathetic ideas of what a story should be.

Ok. I wrote this thing where a person has just been through a very emotionally intense experience with another. They met up to discuss it and the story starts when one of them, a female, leaves, and the guy is by himself. The guy reflects on what happened a bit and then the story picks up and he's doing his stuff and just running the events over in his head occasionally as it continues. The focus isn't on the interaction which happened before the story started. It's never defined what they went through together or whether they were in a relationship together. As is not surprising, most people assumed they were in a relationship. Which is fine, good for you. It doesn't matter whether they were together or not. It's possible to have emotionally involving periods with people who aren't your partner, and which don't involve love, sex or a combination thereof.

Now I get all these stupid fucks telling me I need to elucidate their relationship, and the events, when the actual EVENTS aren't important to the story just their EFFECT on the narrator.

why the fuck do people feel they need to have everything handed to them? why is the chance to make up your own mind about something such a bad thing?

I recently read a book by Paul Auster called Oracle Night. In it, the main character's wife starts behaving very strangely just after she realises she's pregnant - she runs away for 24 hours, is constantly on the verge of a nervous breakdown and just keeps telling the narrator that he has to trust her etc. The narrator writes down a long description (which you read) of what HE thinks is going on, but then screws it up and throws it in the bin. It provides a kind of resolution, which could be possible, but is (and is acknowledged as) almost complete conjecture.

The reason I mentioned that is because it's a form of evidence in my favour, that all loose ends don't need to be wrapped up and that everything doesn't have to be explained.

FUCK.

SO FUCKING FRUSTRATING.


ANd another thing. Okay if you didn't realise by now I'm pretty much just writing for my own frustrated release but if you're still here that's great too. The first third of my story is reflection and description of place and of mindstate. I thought that was a fairly fucking logical place to start a story. Apparently talking about a character's thoughts without them doing anything is too mellow. Or slow. Shit, he might not be fighting dragons or flying a spaceship but it's groundwork. Jesus fucking christ Murakami writes chapters about people realising things. Sitting on an airplane. Shit like that. Jesus.

oh fuck
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